loosing Mica

I'm so sorry! smileys-sad-593832  You are/have been doing all you can for her, and I'm sure she has appreciated being in your loving home and being a part of your family.  I'm sorry your time together hasn't been near long enough. 

I'm so very sorry. They just don't live long enough. Poor girl and poor you. Doing the right thing can be so hard. to you. I'm just so sorry.

I am really having such a hard time dealing with this, and keep flopping back and forth between mad and sad.

When I adopted Mica, I didn't promise I was't going fix her problems. I was just going to care for her, and love her, until one of her many problems took her life. At that point I was going to peacefully, and respectfully send her over the rainbow bridge.

The growth I was seeing in her abdomen was closed pyometra. I told the young vet everything I knew, including the fact that she was suddenly drinking a lot more with her heat cycle, eating less, had a large lump in her abdomen, she had vomited a couple of times, and was having trouble with her back legs. She mentioned pyometra, but decided it must be a dental infection, and gave us some pills.

That was wrong. I did look up the signs and symptoms, after the fact, and have been kicking myself ever since, because I didn't look it up sooner.  

Mica, did ok on Friday, She was still drinking a lot, but she did eat a little canned food. On Saturday evening she didn't eat, but was still going in and out and drinking. On Sunday afternoon, Mica just suddenly gave up. She didn't want to eat or drink, and she stopped responding to my touch. I thought about calling the vet and asking for an emergency visit, but I didn't want to make her get into the car, and go to a place where she was afraid, only to have her euthanized, when she seemed to be relaxed, and nearly comatose here at home.

I got up several times during the night, to check on her, and discovered that she had started to have a copious amount of bloody vaginal, or rectal drainage. I cleaned her up, the best I could. I really felt bad about having to leave her to go to work Monday morning, but I really can't take off right now. I got finished as fast as I could, got home, and called the vet. I explained what was going on. She gave me options again, but this time I was so upset, I asked her to come to the house right away, and put Mica to sleep. She did.

Now I keep tormenting myself with questions. If only I would have argued with the young vet in the first place, Mica wouldn't have had to endure the weekend. I promised, to not, let her suffer and die alone, but I didn't follow my gut, and she did have to suffer. I think,,, should I have tried taking her back, and having them try to save her with IVs and antibiotics, then spay her, if they could save her? But then I remember why we didn't spay her when I first got her.

When I first got her, I took her to the vet to have her checked over, and get her spayed. She had a nagging cough, that I asked about. Is it kennel cough?? Dr. said no. Is it CHF? It sounded like a CHF cough. Dr. shrugged. Ok, Should I get her tested for heart worm? Dr. answered, with his own question. Are you going to treat her? No. They have a big sign, about the treatment, and why you really need to give them the pills.

I am mad at the vet, but then I realize, I am only using that as an excuse. I am really mad at me, for being such a push over, and not following my gut in the first place. I am mad at me for not saying I want her spayed when the first took her, in spite of her other issues. Then I think, Glenda, what would you have preferred for her to die of? No option is pleasant to think about.

Then I think that Mica, should probably be the last throw away pet, I take in.

Oh NHG I am really sorry you had to go through the questioning pain, of loosing your old boy.

 I really know what it is like, to question your own judgment. It is one thing to take on the responsibility when your loved one is in good health, but it is another thing, to face that same responsibility, when your loved one is failing. I sat for two weeks, and held my dying Mothers hand, while she was crossing into Heaven. The first week, I was all alone, then the rest of my family, came out of denial, and took their turns holding her hand. We were all together, with her, when she passed. The worst part was, my Mom was in a nursing home, where they fight to preserve life, rather than to allow someone to cross into Heaven, with dignity, when they are ready.   

It was only a year and a half later, when my Dad took his final journey. I learned about death with dignity, from Hospice. They were a God send. Not only did they care for my father, but they cared for my sisters, my brother, and I too. They helped us to understand his final journey, and helped us to survive our Fathers passing.

It was only 6 months later when my dear sister crossed over, into Heaven. I was her DPOA. To make the decision, to pull the plug, was the most agonizing decision I have ever had to make. I still struggle with it.

I am not sure, that I am able, to make that decision anymore. I anguish for the animals that have no hope, and no future, but I am not sure, I have enough conviction left, to make that decision, and survive.

I am the DPOA for my husband, who is no longer able to make his own health decisions. I am sure that is playing, into what I am feeling now, about my decisions for Mica. I won't fail him,, I promise,, but each day that passes, the truth becomes more, and more frightening. 

I guess all I am trying to say is, it is one thing, to put the responsibility, of your life decisions, onto a trusted loved ones hands, but that is the easy part. For the person, who is responsible, to carry out your wishes.... It's not so easy. It is one thing to take on the responsibility, for the life, of a trusting sister, or an animal loved one, but it is very difficult, not second guess, the decisions made for that loved one. I am not sure, I am strong enough, to take that responsibility again.

I feel like I need to slap my own face, and stop being a Debbie Downer, but crap,,, that is where I am right now. Sorry.